What Boys can learn from Will: How to Reset.

While the rest of the world talked about Will Smith from the lens of a celebrity meltdown, I’m reflecting on what our young boys are taking away from this situation. If you are unclear of the situation that I am referencing, I am speaking about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars for insulting his wife, Jada Pinkett. In my work I regularly engage and educate others around the experiences of black boys, and how caring adults need to leverage their understanding of social emotional learning in interacting with them. Social emotional learning (SEL) is an educational construct that helps students learn the competencies of self and social awareness, decision-making, and relationships. However, what we don’t talk about enough with boys is the competency of self management.

In our world there are daily experiences that serve as lessons for boys to develop into mature, responsible adults. The learning comes during, and after, being faced with situations and reflecting on how they choose to respond to it. What people need to understand is that boys regularly measure their growth and development up to a mirror of their peers. “I bet you I can run faster than you”, “I bet you I’m stronger than you”, I bet you I can beat you in [insert any game here], etc. I’m sure you’ve heard this verbal exchange before. Some days they win, and they feel on course in their development. Some days they lose, and they realize that there is a lot to learn and do to become better than the next person.

In situations that feel more threatening, there is a part of the brain called the amygdala which monitors our response to that situation. The amygdala’s function is to regulate emotions. Often, our responses can be instinctual and manifest in two ways: fight or flight. For example, when faced with the threat (ex. verbally attacking a loved one in a public setting), Will Smith chose to confront the threat. That’s an example of fight (or conflict) to resolve how he was feeling. Because this was so out of character for him, some may say his amygdala was hijacked. In the moment, he likely thought that his man/personhood was more respected with that response. Let’s note that he also had the opportunity to take flight meaning that he could have paused, avoided, or averted the threat. At that moment, he was obviously unable to do so.